How to Support Someone Going Through Depression

Photo by KEEM IBARRA on Unsplash

Depression sucks all the joy you love out of everything you do. I call it the dark monster because there’s no way to personify a disability you can’t see. I never believed I was disabled because there was no visible component to my condition. Though I still had the basic functions of a physically abled person, the dark monster took the will to do basic functioning things away.

After being officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression in September of 2021, I immediately started Lexapro. There was a sense that nothing was wrong with me before. That maybe I was just burned out and not depressed or anxious at all. But when the dark monster returned after a short period of normalcy, I realized that I was downplaying my own mental condition just like those around me.

It wasn’t until this year that I expressed my depressive emotions to family and friends. Some were understanding, and others were not. I had expressed that I wish I could just say, “I don’t want to exist,” without people thinking I was suicidal. Because to be honest, if I were going to kill myself, I would have done it many dark periods ago. The truth was I wanted to live. I wanted to get better. I tried to fight the dark monster off. Hearing people tell me to do something fun or try meditation wasn’t very helpful. It only made me feel worse.

When you hear someone validate your feelings even if they can’t fully understand what you are going through, you feel a lot less alone.

People who don’t have depression fail to understand that it’s not as simple as getting up and doing something I enjoy. I want to do the things I enjoy. I want to smile and feel happy. But depression is crippling. It is the thing that keeps me in bed for hours during the day. It is the thing that keeps me up at night. It is the thing that makes me cry for hours at work after a hard interaction with a client. It is the thing that makes it difficult to shower or brush my teeth. I, the queen of all things skincare, can barely muster the energy to wash my face.

There is no simple fix when you have depression. I’m not talking about being sad or having periods of sadness. This is not the same thing. Doing things I enjoy isn’t going to make me feel better magically. What does make me feel better is understanding. Hearing someone say, “I don’t know what to say, but I am sorry you are going through this” is way more supportive than “life is worth living; you just gotta do something you enjoy.” When you hear someone validate your feelings even if they can’t fully understand what you are going through, you feel a lot less alone.

I wish there were a simple fix to this disability, but there isn’t. The best way to support someone going through a depressive episode is to listen to them. Don’t try to develop solutions unless they explicitly ask you for them.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1–800–273–8255

If you don’t know what to say, say that. If you don’t know what to do, say that. Ask that person, “how can I best support you through this episode? What can I do to help you?” Only offer your help if you are actually able to show up. There’s no shame in not being able to support someone emotionally. If all you can offer is your ear when they feel in extremes, then tell them that.

Depression takes all the joy out of everything you love, but it doesn’t have to be something we go through alone. The benefit of having a community is having people help you where you cannot show up for yourself. So whether you can only show up with a helping ear or a meal just in case someone is unable to get out of bed, that’s okay. Show up how you can. All you have to do is ask what that person may need.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and is seeking affordable mental health services, try Open Path Psychotherapy Collective. You pay a one-time lifetime membership fee and get access to various therapists in your area offering affordable options for those unable to pay for traditional therapy services. You do not need insurance to use this service.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek emergency services near you. I recommend finding a mental health facility that handles emergency services, but please visit the Emergency Room if you cannot find a resource near you. You can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1–800–273–8255.

Originally Publsihed on medium.com.

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